Deepest ocean...

Two months passed by since our first encounter and I never saw since. I passed by the club a couple of times and strangely I found myself everytime in a fight with the same guys. I couldn´t find her. The only thing I managed was to start looking like Edward Norton in "Fight Club", a real mess. I decided I shouldn´t go there anymore. People at work were starting to feel unease with all the bruises. Like I cared. Like I cared...

Ever since I met I no longer cared about what anyone would think about me. I was all about myself. Work was again something I did for myself and not just something the company demanded, my mind seem to expand every day, I felt more aware of my surrondings. Even though I stoped going to the bar there was something that compelled me to go there again. My blood was boiling. Anger. Frustration. Hate. Hurt. Desire. Passion. Rage. Love...?

My mind was in turmoil. I became more and more confused with the passing days. Why? What could it be? What was the reason?

Guys at work said I looked more confident. They were right. I was. But I felt hell inside me, in my mind, in my heart. I started to feel a dark shadow over me. It empowered me, my agressiveness grew more and more. My rivals feared me and my friends looked up to me, only bcause they felt "safe" near, as long they wouldn´t piss me off. I knew they were as scared as everybody else. But I didn´t care, until that day.

I went of to the bar near the office like every day, but there was something different. It was all the same yet everything was different. I couldn´t point the finger at it but after a while I stopped looking or caring. Instead I realized someone was watching me. A beatiful woman, long dark hair, blue eyes, slightly dark skin. A real gift from God to men. Or at least to the guy she was with. Twice my size. After a few more drinks I could only see her and I stopped being discreet, has did she. Her boyfriend wasn´t very happy about it so he decided to defend his position as the "alpha male". He came to me, confident with his size, and told I should stop hitting on his girlfriend before something bad might happen. With a few "shots" running through my veins I couldn´t care about what he could say or do, so I simply replied the only bad thing that could happen, to him, was me walking out of the bar with his girl. Obviously no one would take that kind of crap so he decided it was "go time". She was thrilled seeing 2 man fighting over her. My blood was boilling. He raised his hand to punch me, using all the strenght he had. My blood was cold, my mind became still. At the same time everybody on the table jumped out of their chairs to avoid getting involved. My blood was cold, my mind was still and my eyes met his. His fist came down with mighty hanger. My blood became vapor, my mind went berserk and my eyes instilled fear in his very soul. A quick dodge, a powerful hit on his ribs and he flinched. With one hand I grabbed him by his neck and shoved his face against the wall. His forehead was bleeding and he was stunned. His girlfriend came screaming, crying and held him. I grabbed her arm and pulled her to me. I looked into her eyes and saw fear.

- First you were flirting with me and you were thrilled seeing 2 man fighting over you, now you´re crying for that idiot?!

- What are you doing?! You´re crazy! Let go of me!

- Why? I thought the winner took the prize!

- You´re hurting me! Stop it!

I smelled a familiar fragrance. My blood freezed, my mind was empty and my eyes went blank. I looked at her but it wasn´t her. It was the one I had been looking for for the past few months, she was crying. No! It was the girl from the bar! I was going crazy, my mind was playing tricks on me. I froze in panic. I had to get out of their.

I grabbed my coat and started running out the door. When I realized I was at the beach. Tears were running down my face. I was on my knees facing the ocean. A thunder roared apparently right above me. All I could see was a clear sky filled with stars. A sense of desperation took over me. I screamed on the top of my lungs. It felt better, but still that feelling agravated. A hand touched my shoulder.

- That was quite a show in that bar. To bad you didn´t pull those stunts when we first met. - I didn´t turn around, I was to afraid it would be another trick of my imagination and that she would go away again. - Last time you saved me from 4 bullies, now you beat the hell out of a guy twice your size but you can´t face me?

- Yes!

- You do know it´s very rude to turn your back on another person?

- I didn´t turn it. It was already turned.

- Actually you passed running by me, so technically you did turn your back on me.

- Why are you mocking me?

- That´s what I do. Make people smile. - She was right. She made me smile. Something I wasn´t able to do in quite sometime. It wasn´t that long, but for me it seemed like ages. I turned around to see her and there she was. No allucination this time. - Now, can you please tell me what the hell was that all about?!

- What?

- That stupid fight! Fighting a guy for his girlfriend?! Last time I saw you fight you were defending me from guys with similar behavior you had today, and now all of a sudden you´re going caveman over somebody else´s girl?! If I knew you were like that I would never had taken you home.

- I´m not. For the past few months I´ve been becoming this. I don´t know exactly why but for some reason I´ve become crescently more agressive. I think it started the night we met.

- Yeah, fights tend to do that to someone. On the other hand, people usually have something called self-control wich apparently you´ve been losing or at least not interested in use it. I dont´t like neither option. You fought to protect, now you are becoming a bullie. Why is that?

- I don´t know. When I met you something changed, you inspired confidence in me and for some reason I´ve been thinking of you every day.

- You went berserk over me?! You barely know me and so far the only thing you got from me were bruises! Wake up!

- It weren´t just bruises, it was something else. A new sensation, something I never felt before.


- Yes. It´s called freedom. It usually happens when we are not bound by the parameters of society and we live our own lives without letting anyone interfere wih us. As long we don´t interfere with others. What? You thought because you survived a bar brawl, you could go on a power trip thinking your invincible?! Grow up! And you know what?! I´m gone, I thought for once I found someone decent. I guess I just found another jerk!

And just like that, she was gone. I just stayed there. Waiting. Hoping she would come back. I knew she wouldn´t. She wasn´t that stupid. The city was asleep for sometime. I started walking towards home. The lights went out. Crossing town felt like taking a plunge in the deepest ocean. The ocean of my thoughts. Wind and rain came. I wasn´t beeing cleanse this time, but punished. I deserved it. Once I got home, taking a shower was in order, it felt good, like ice on a bruise. When there´s no light at all any light calls our attention. It was the moon and the stars. A full moon. I had never seen a moon so bright and so big like that one. The blackout continued but I could see the city, and the stars. So many stars. It´s hard to see them in the city. So many and so bright.

- It seems that even in darkness we can find a light to guide us. You were right. I am an idiot. I´m sorry.

I turned around and before I could take the first step to go to my room, a thunder roared over the building and a lightning tore the skies apart and hit the beach.

- Don´t worry. I´ll find you!

Phoenix...

I´ll never forget that day. I was turned to ashes and brought back to life, in fact, I think that was the day I was born to life. It was a normal day, everywhere I looked I would see gray. Gray people, gray streets, gray life. Gray life... I didn´t had a life, I was dead to it on the day I was born, ready to became another mindless drone with a production goal in a concrete society. I only had few hours a week to let go, to give in to my instinct, through martial practice. But my instinct in time became dormant, later being replaced by blind rage. I was no longer possessed the discipline required to perform a good practice. I no longer was at peace inside, I was dying.I had a house, I was productive and an angry beast trying to claw it´s way out. Free will had been erased, creative spirit was gone. I was nothing more than something that resembled a human being.

Again like every day I went to the bar at the end of the day with my co-workers, had a couple of drinks, listened to them complaining about work, about the boss, about the wife, kids. Like always I just listened, barely would say something. I couldn´t complain about work because it was always well done and I was on my way to promotion, my boss never was fair enough to do our job without pushing us around and I didn´t had any family to go to at the end of the day. Just an apartment like my life, empty.

That night a fragment of life decided to reveal itself. It was a warm night so I decided to walk home. I left everything at the office, briefcase, coat, tie, wallet, everything I only took my house keys. They said they would give a ride like always, bt this time the beast wasn´t clawing, it was being cunning. This time it was not using brute force, probably because it was tired, but it was still fighting. I walked down the streets, alone. I was feeling uncomfortable, so I pulled my sleeves up, loosen the collar button and it was like I began to breath. A strange vitality took over me, everything seemed different, people, buildings, cars, the air.
It was a 40 minutes walk but I didn´t care, everything around me felt more alive and that single feeling made the walk worth it. Without noticing the change, the air became different, a strange sensation, something was out of place and out of sight. It was the first time I felt that and before I realized it, a lightning crossed the skies, splitting them in two. The thunder came next, so loud I thought the skies were being torn apart and rain followed. First small drops, and then strong rain. I hide under balcony afraid of getting wet, then again it was just water. I moved to middle of the sidewalk and felt it falling on me, for the first time in years, I didn´t run from it. This rain was different, it was wet and yet, it didn´t feel like it. Sins were being washed away.
I kept walking home, slowly, enjoying the rain poring down my face. In few minutes it stopped, strangely I was less wet than I thought but wet non the less. It didn´t matter so I continued my journey home, lost in thoughts and sensations. Something was wrong, didn´t know how or where but it was there and it grew stronger. A bar. All of the sudden I was compelled to stay there on the sidewalk waiting, watching, listening. A thunder roared in the sky like beast being unleashed. The door opened and she walked outside with three thugs, drunk, behind her, trying to grab her. "Come on baby, let´s party" they said but she pushed them back. She couldn´t handle them, though I could feel in any other day she could have even talk the most insane man back to sanity. In a fraction of a second I caght a glimpse of her inner self. She was not herself that night, though I never found out why. Before I realized I was in the middle of the rumble. I took quite a beating. They didn´t remain untouched and it was enough for them to go way. It felt good, I was alive again and for the first time in years I did something, not for my daily activities but for someone else, a complete stranger. Three against one and all I got was a busted lip and some bruises. I was lucky, very lucky. I rested against the wall and slided to the ground. I sat there still feeling the rush. I started laughing.

- Are you crazy or just stupid?! You always do the knight in shiny armor routine?!

-No. Tonight I just had a death wish. And your welcome.

-Welcome for what? I could have handle them.

-They were three and they were drunk, I nearly didn´t make it and you´re telling me that you could handle them?! Are you super-woman or just high?! - I felt angry, another emotion dormant in me, but it almost blinded me so I didn´t realized it. It didn´t let me think, I just reacted. I got up in anger, the rush was gone but not the pain and now even worse. I got up to fast and the pain made me flinch and again was against the wall. This time not feeling an adrenaline rush but a pain rush. If I didn´t have a busted rib, it had been a really close call.

- Are you ok? -all of a sudden her tone had changed, aggressiveness changed to concern. She layed her hand on my shoulder and pain became numbness. A weird energy ran through my body, something warm, peaceful. It felt like a light was shining upon me, a blessing if you will. It was then I managed to see her, her short dark hair, smooth, beautiful skin and those exquisite brown eyes. I saw an entire world when our eyes met and the rest of the world vanished, there was nothing else besides both of us. It was nothing like I had felt before. I snapped back to reality and along with reality came pain again.

- Yeah. I´m fine.

-Yes, I can tell by the way you can hardly move with the beating you took that you are just fine. Come on, let me help you out.

- First, you almost beat the hell out of me because I tried to help you, now you are trying to help me?! Lady, you´re weird!

-Sorry, sometimes I´m a little rough and this hasn´t been exactly my week. Apparently this hasn´t been a good day for you either!

- Actually this has been the best day of my life so far.

- Getting the hell beat out of you is a good day?! And you say I´m weird!

- It´s a long story and I´m in too much pain to tell it. On the other hand I would welcome a drink or two.

- The only good place I would take you for a drink is at the beach. - that would mean going back and though it was tempting, the pain was starting to get to me. - And I´m not gonna take you there, instead I´m gonna take you to the hospital.

- I don´t need a hospital, I just need some rest.

- Fine. How far is your place?

- 20 minutes walking more or less.

- And you are gonna walk home? You know, you should really go to the hospital, you might have a broken rib or something.

- Trust me, I´me fine.

- At least let me take you home, it´s the least I can do.

- I´m fine, really.

- You don´t have anything else to prove me, you already done that by taking that beat. My car is right over there, I´ll get you there in a minute.

- Yes, mommy. - I couldn´t avoid saying that, she had been more protective about me in those few minutes than many people in my entire life. She smiled when I said that, but not an ordinary smile, she was challenging me, testing me, her eyes screamed out loud "You´re tough. Sure you can fight, but can you fight me?". Never I had a challenge like that.

- I´m not your mother and I´m not gonna give you a sponge bath or anything, though you need it since you´re all wet and bruised. But I can tuck you in.

- That´s more than I hoped today. I knew it had been a reason for me to stop by.

- What do you mean?

- It´s part of the long story that I will tell you later if I get the chance. - I held on to her and she helped me getting to her car. Before I knew it, I was in front of my building. And I didn´t gave her any directions. - How the hell did you know where I live?

- Easy. Corporate suit, walking down that street. I easily assumed you came from that office building near the beach and that you lived near enough to walk. Though your suit isn´t complete, I realized you hadn´t been mugged, otherwise you wouldn´t have helped me.

- Everybody has a suit! A shopkeeper has a suit!

-A shokeeper has an ugly suit probably for a wedding or something but not expensive suits like the one you are wearing. I´m a woman, I know clothes. And the rest of the suit you probably decided to leave it at the office, since it was a nice night and all.

- Impressive! And what about the building?!

- Lucky guess. But since you were traveling light I thought you could live here. If you can afford the suit, you can afford the place.- I didn´t realized if she was good enough to get to that conclusion or if she was just lucky, what mattered was, she was at my doorsteps. She helped me getting in the elevator. There was definitly something else going through my mind. - Tell me, do you smoke?

- No, why?

- `Cause I would really go for a smoke right now.

- You shouldn´t. Those things will kill some day.

- So does the knight in shiny armor routine if I don´t get to carefull.

- Good point. But if you quite perhaps you last longer next time! - She kept pushing, it was amazing the way she put my brain to work. I completely forgot I was in pain. For a while.

-Thanks a lot, lady. I´ll try to remember that next time your ass is on the line.

- What? You´ll stop smoking to help me out?

- Nop. Simply will keep on walking enjoying my smokes.

- What a cute thing like me and you wouldn´t hel me out?

- You´re not that cute.

- Yes I am. - the elevator doors opened. I managed to walk alone despite of my bruises. I opened the door and we both went inside.

- This is nice place though it looked bigger from the outside.

- I bought this place because of the view, not the space. Besides when one lives alone he doesn´t need much space.

- If it was for the view than this is a hell of a place you got there.

- Thanks. I´m gonna take a shower. Make yourself at home. - I was really beaten, red marks all over my body. Those were some ugly bruises. I would pass. That hot shower was also something wonderful, relaxing. Again sins were being washed away, to bad bruises weren´t. I put on some pants and went to the kitchen to grab some ice. As passed through the living room she was staring through the window, into ocean. - I can see you enjoyed the view as much as I did.

- Yes. It´s quite soothing considering it´s night time and you can´t much.

- I´m gonna grab some ice, you want something to drink?

- No thanks. I already had enough for one night.

- Ok suit yourself. - I grab the ice and came back to the living room, sat on the sofa and aplied it on my ribs. The inicial frost bite wasn´t very pleasant but it would have the desired results.
We kept ourselves quite for brief moments. It was pleasant and unconfortable, familiar and awkward. It was so confusing yet so enlightning. All this mix os sensations left me confuse and alive. It was all new, if I felt it before it was long forgotten and all this due to a bar brawl. No. Not a brawl. A girl. When it hit me, a lightning crossed the skies and with it a thundering roar as if the sky had been torn in two. Rain started falling. She smiled watching it.

- Why do I have the feeling that this rain is fault?!

- What?! I think you took a punch t many in that numb skull of yours! - Her tone of voice and her expression only made want to say "you´re a lousy liar". I just blacked out. I woke up in the next morning on the couch covered in a blanket. I felt reborn. A note was on the coffe table: "Thanks for the lovely evening and for playing the knight in shiny armor. Next time I won´t get you in trouble. I hope. You´re very cute when you are sleeping right to the part you start snoring."

- Got my ass kicked because of her and she complains about my snoring.

Water falls...

It was early in the morning, I had just waken up. Sun was pouring through the windows, it was nice and warm, I hadn´t feel one like that in a long, long time. I started having breakfast in the kitchen, feeling the sun on my face and chest. It was time for some exercise!


Chopping wood was always nice in sunny days, specially when there´s a warm breeze in the air. I could feel the warm smell flowers and trees in the air, it was indeed a glorious morning. I removed my shirt and put it on the rocking chair that was on my porch and starting chopping. The wood reserve was nearly at the end, I had to get some more later on. The morning passed by and I didn´t even noticed and before I realized, there were no more logs to cut, I had to go get some more. Grabbed something from the fridge for lunch and I was ready to go. I placed the axe and my shirt in the truck, when I opened the door, I heard a thunder, but there were no clouds in sky. Something was coming and I could already guess what it was, but this time I wouldn´t be here. I started the truck and drove half an hour to the woods. 4 hours were spent cutting wood and picking small logs, I would have to do that for at least 5 more times until I had enough wood for the winter, but there was time. Summer was just starting and I was needing the work out. The truck was filled and I was ready to go back but something wasn´t right, I felt I was been watch. In fact, I felt like that since I stopped the truck.


The sun was still high and it would stay way that for a few more hours. There was a place I didn´t visit for a long time, since last summer, I believed the time to revisit that place had come. The path was still there, it was easy to follow. I ´don´t believe how that placed has remain untouched by man, so filled of life. Has I walked through that place, my senses became more alive, more alert. The woods were filled with the warm smell of trees and flowers, I could hear the birds singing and animals running around, life was blooming everywhere. 15 minutes later I found that place of life, a lagoon under a large waterfall. The sun was shinning down on the lagoon and all the life surrounding it, was visible. Birds, rabbits, raccoons even a deer drinking water. There wasn´t a single sign of civilization, nature was whole there and I could feel one with it.


Something caught my attention, once again that feeling of being watched. The deer became scared and ran off, quick foot steps behind me, a quick charge on my back. All of a sudden I´m watching bottom of the lagoon and start swimming to the surface. I heard someone laughing, a woman. It had to be her. Again. She was standing there with her hand covering her mouth and the other arm covering her stomach, laughing.


- Thanks a lot. It had to be you, right? Damn it!


- What´s the matter, lumberjack? Afraid your "wood" might rot? - she gave me a smile filled with mockery


- No, but my cell phone was in my pocket along with my car and house keys.


- Your cell phone is in your place, your car keys are in your truck and your house keys are in the tools wooden shack, like you always do when you come here.


-Have you been spying on me?!


-No. You´re just a creature of habits, and old habits die hard. You are kinda predictable.


-If I´m that predictable, why do you keep coming back? I thought you liked spontaneous. Damn it, now my clothes are all wet. - I climbed out of the water, with my soaken wet jeans, fortunatly, I already had taken out my shoes. I was angry at her, she always did that, sneaking up on me, showing up whenever she wanted. It was part of her charm, no doubt about it. She was just like the last time I saw her, brown eyes, short dark hair and this time, tight shorts and a top. My mind wondered off for a second.

-Not all of them, your shirt is still on the truck.

-I thought you weren´t spying on me!

-I lied. You look good when your chopping wood, in those jeans. - she started walking slowly towards me, bitting her lipp and smilling, like a child that was something on her mind. Only this is was not a child and that something on her mind always meant hard work and lots of sweat. She tried to kiss me but I didn´t let her.

-What? You´re mad because of a little prank?

-Yes, you´re always toying me.

-And you like it. Besides you haven´t stop looking down on my cleavage since you got out of the water, so you´re, probably, not that mad at me. - She winked at me. I was crystal clear to her, no doubt about it. And the more I resisted, the more fun she would get. - You also look good all wet in those jeans you know? - She took three steps back, stared me in the eyes and started smiling.

-What are you smiling about?

-Are you gonna get in the water or not?

-I´ve already been there in case you haven´t noticed and now I need to get home.

-Spending almost an hour in those wet jeans might give you a cold, besides you aren´t gonna get the seats of your truck all wet. If you leave your jeans on the rocks they´ll dry enough so you can get home, sickness free.

-Yeah right. I heard that one before.

-If it didn´t came from me, you haven´t heard it. You don´t bring girls here. In fact, none of the girls you hang out with, are crazy enough to get you naked in the woods.

-And just how do you know that? - It was a stupid question that didn´t deserve an answer. Just a glare that told me everything.

She took a few steps back, staring me in the eyes. I´ll never forget that look. She always got what she wanted, and right now, she wanted me. I felt like a rabbit trying to face a lion. She started losing her shorts buttons. Slowly. One by one. She never took her eyes of mine. My heart started to race and my palms started to sweat. I tried to keep myself together. She slowly took off her shorts and threw them at me with her foot. I barely had a reaction, only caught them after they had hit my face. She laughed and it sounded beautifully, still I wasn´t going to give in. At least not yet. She turned around and started taking her top off, but suddenly she stopped and pulled it down. She started dancing, doing slow, round movements with her hips. She continued dancing as she walking backwards. In few steps her back was against my chest.

-That´s a nice bikini you have. I didn´t know you were into purple.- I tried to play it cool, not to given to quickly, make it last. She pulled my head over her right shoulder and kissed me. My right hand gained a life of it´s own, started traveling and before I realized, my harm was around her waist. She slapped my hand like I was a misbehaved boy. She stopped kissing me, but she didn´t let my head go.

-Would you like to see the rest of it? - she whispered in my hear. I didn´t need to answer, we knew where we were going, words would only be used for fun now. She pulled my head toward her neck. I started kissing it, slowly, then moving down to her shoulders. At the same time my finger tips started moving around her waist. I moved my lips again to her neck, her breathing was getting heavier, I slowly started taking her top. She was caressing my hair, almost petting me, I started nibbling her hear, a shiver went down her spine, she arched her back and grabbed my hair. I took her top off and threw it aside. Before the top hit the ground she started running and took a plunge in the lagoon. She immediately surfaced.

-Well? Are you coming or what?

-Very funny! You know I have no bathing suit.

-Neither do I.- As she was saying it, she raised her arms in the air showing both pieces of her bikini.

-So you´re saying I should simply take my pants off and get in the water with you?!

-Great. You´re a quick learner.

-Yes but I could just leave in my truck.

-Not if your keys are in my car and since you don´t know were my car is...

-So I´m gonna have to hurt you, is that it?!- she was toying me. Again. I knew it and I let it happen. Like always.

-Please sir, don´t hurt me! I´m so scared, all alone in this lagoon, with no clothes on.- She gave me that defying look. I could hear her thoughts out loud as if they were my own. "Come and get me if you can", that´s what her eyes were screaming. I dived in. Before I could catch my first breath after the dive, my lips had already met hers. We held each other, I could feel her warm touch even with the cold water. She stopped kissing me and looked me in the eyes.

-What about your pants?

-You´re worried about laundry now?

-No. Just worried about you, I don´t want you to catch a cold. Give them to me. I´ll leave them in the rocks to dry.

-You´re not gonna run off with them are you?!

-Don´t worry, they´re not my size.- she smiled and I gave her my pants. That smile could melt ice or burn brighter than the sun. Empires have fallen because of smiles like that one. My heart was filled with warm feelings. Again I was at peace, I could feel life all around me and more importantly, inside me. I felt alive every time she was with me, just like that moment.
She was in the water, placing my jeans on the rocks. I went to her, sneaking, placed my hands on her arms and started kissing her shoulders and her back. Our hearts began to race, her breathing became heavier, I started kissing her neck and at the same time she placed her hands on the rock. I placed my arms around her pressing her body against me and began nibbling on her hear lobe. She placed her hands over mine releasing a moan. She opened my arms and turned towards me, kissing me and then she started swimming. I thought she was running again, playing. No. Just moving. I followed her to the rocks behind the waterfall. We climbed the rocks and fell in each others arms.Those dark eyes contained an entire world and I was lost in it, that world was my world but only as long she allowed it. Her kiss could bring one back from the dead, it was filled of life, caring, passion and it had the taste of freedom. We looked in each others eyes as we kissed, like if we were struggling. I started caressing her face and then her hair. We both smiled, started kissing, our eyes were closed and everything else disappeared, we couldn´t see or hear anything beside us, there was nothing else but that moment. With my hands I could feel every curve of her body, soft and warm. At the same time I explored her body with my lips, every line, every curve, her breathing was heavier. When my lips reached her stomach, she placed her hands in my head and began caressing my hair, her body began to shiver. As my lips kept moving down her reaction became more intense, soon enough she was moaning, pulling my hair and arching her back. She pulled me up, kissed me placed her hands on my back pressing me against her. I could feel her heart racing, just like mine. In a swift move our positions changed, I could feel the cold stone on my back, but more importantly, I could feel her warm body on top of me. Again she kissed me and we became one, our bodies entangled and the day became the night. In each others arms we fell asleep and like that we stayed for hours. I woke up it was early morning and like every other day she was gone, leaving me my dry pants, my shirt and the keys to my truck.

-Looks like she wasn´t lying about the keys...

Perdido...

A minha solidão mantém-se. Não sei se por esperar por ti ou se por não saber tirar-te do meu pensamento, do meu coração, do meu ser. Não deixei de comer, nem deixei de dormir, mas a comida deixou de ter sabor e não consigo dormir mais de 2 horas. Passo horas a revirar na cama a pensar em ti, em mim, em nós. Nós! Pergunto-me se isso alguma vez terá existido, para ti pelo menos. Lembro-me dias de sol, risos e cores, agora o sol queima-me e o dia deu lugar a noite, as cores deixaram de existir para dar lugar a preto, branco e cinzento, tendo como única iluminação os candeeiros da rua e a ponta do cigarro aceso, companheiro das longas noites. Passo as noites a deambular pelas ruas da cidade perdido em pensamentos revoltos e álcool, a revolta é a minha vida, a confusão, as lutas. Perco-me na noite como um mendigo, sem casa sem destino, apenas com uma coisa na cabeça. Tu. A forma como entraste na minha vida, como por breves momentos vivemos uma vida conjunta, partilhá·mos sonhos e sentimentos, sonhámos com um futuro. Foste para mim em pouco tempo do que muitos foram em uma vida inteira. Tudo isso acabou num instante, tudo se desmoronou à minha volta, como um castelo de cartas. Agora tudo o que me resta È a ira de um homem sem rumo, sem futuro e sem amor próprio. Fiz da tua vida a minha, quando partiste levaste-a contigo. Hoje não passo de uma sombra, alguém que parecido com alguém que existiu em tempos.Desapareceste sem saber como ou porquê, é a pergunta que me faz procurar nos sítios errados e é a resposta errada que me faz tomar as decisões erradas. Eras tudo aquilo que eu queria, agora és tudo aquilo que eu quero esquecer para recuperar a minha vida ou a esperança de voltar a ter alguma. Não passo da sombra de alguém que existiu e tu a luz que criou a sombra.

Noite de festa...

Não sei porquê mas quis sair, perder-me no turbilhão de gente que passeava nas ruas a ver espectáculos de rua, ver as barraquinhas de bugigangas, sentir o cheiro da sardinha assada o ar. A cidade estava mais viva nesta noite que em qualquer outro dia. A juventude corria desenfreada com os pais sempre de olho neles, os adolescentes também mas já com o álcool a correr-lhes nos sangue, sem falar nuns quantos que já estavam caídos a um canto tal não era a bebedeira. Namorados passeavam de mãos dadas quase com medo de se perderem uns dos outros no reboliço. O cheiro a sardinha ia desaparecendo com o avançar da noite e começava notar-se mais o cheiro a pipocas, farturas e mais tarde o pão com chouriço a sair dos fornos a lenha no meio da rua. O tempo passava e as famílias desapareciam com os filhos da rua só ficando os adolescentes, os bêbados e os resistentes do antigamente. Agora sim a festa começava, junto aos palcos, pelas ruas, em grupos numerosos, em pequenos grupos, em convívio, em conflito provocado pelo álcool ou pelo ajuste de contas de dissabores amorosos. São 3 da manhã e a cidade ainda fervilha. Junto ao cais a coisa anima-se mais do que esperado e a polícia vem intervir, nem seria festa se assim não fosse e também não seria se espectadores inocentes não fossem puxados para a confusão, sendo eu um deles. A polícia carrega sobre o pessoal sem fazer distinção, novo ou velho, homem ou mulher. Comecei a correr juntamente com mais outros tantos, isto já era festa a mais para mim. Vi-te a minha frente. Cais-te. Num impulso tentei ajudar-te, levantar-te do chão, impedir que fosses pisada pela multidão em fuga ou então que os polícias cegos chegassem ao pé de ti. O bom samaritanismo vale-me a mim de uma bastonada nas costas, felizmente não foi forte o suficiente para me impedir de continuar a fugir e esconder-mo-nos no jardim. A confusão acalmou num instante e ficámos os dois afastados do resto do pessoal em fuga e da polícia. Praguejas-te por teres rasgado as calças e por não teres gostado de ter de andar a correr a frente da polícia e que o pessoal desta terra devia ser todo doido, acendeste um cigarro para acalmar. A única coisa que me passava pela cabeça era dizer-te "Não tens de quê!", mas preferi pedir-te um cigarro. Com o que se passou nem te apercebes-te da minha presença, nem percebes-te o que te tinha dito. Pedi-te um cigarro novamente e ai acedes-te ao meu pedido pedindo desculpa. Ficaste ainda meio confusa a olhar para mim, a pensar quem era eu. Perguntaste-me porque é que eu te tinha ajudado ao qual eu respondi que também não sabia. Sentei-me no banco de jardim que ali estava, com aquela correria nem me lembrava que me tinham batido nas costas, por isso encostei-me desencostando-me rapidamente assim que senti a dor, nessa altura só pensei "Esta vai deixar marca.". Disse que pareceu-me a coisa certa na altura, apesar de que ser correcto por vezes dói. Acendi o cigarro, dando em seguida um suspiro quase como se funcionasse como analgésico. Começas-te a praguejar novamente, a perguntar se o pessoal da terra era tudo doido, a resposta óbvia era sim tal como era mais que óbvio que não eras de cá. Comecei a explicar o importante das festas da cidade e também de como não era festa se estas cenas não acontecessem e que também era normal alguém de fora não perceber o espírito da festa. Sorris-te e perguntas-te se era assim tão óbvio que não eras de cá, a resposta era mais que clara visto ninguém de cá sair à rua nesta altura com sapatos com salto por muito mínimo que fosse. Nesta atura corre-se muito, ou à frente dos touros ou à frente da polícia mas sempre de ténis, nunca de saltos. Desta vez encostei-me devagarinho o banco, para não doer tanto. Perguntei se te tinhas mudado para ali à pouco tempo disses-te que sim e impediste-me de perguntar mais alguma coisa, perguntando se eu estava bem. Eu respondi que sim e que já não levava uma daquelas à muito tempo mas que era o risco de andar a passear naquela zona, nesta altura do ano. Acho que estava a pedi-las. Tentei levantar-me, lentamente, a pancada estava a começar a arrefecer e estava a dor estava a aumentar, sentia-me um velho com reumático. Ajudaste-me a levantar colocando o meu braço a tua volta e colocando o teu braço à minha volta, apertando exactamente onde não devias. Só pude dizer entre dentes "Não apertes". Tiraste logo o braço à minha volta pedindo desculpa, mas continuas-te a segurar o meu braço a volta do teu pescoço que eu retirei lentamente assim que me consegui endireitar. Pedis-te desculpa por não teres agradecido por te ter ajudado a sair da confusão, as dores nem me deixavam pensar nisso, mas disses-te que a única coisa que podias fazer era levar-me ao hospital. Eu agradeci, mas gelo chegava perfeitamente e disseste que isso arranjavas facilmente. Comecei a notar uma certa aflição na tua voz quiseste levar-me para tua casa, dizias que ao menos o gelo querias dar-me antes que isto ficasse pior. Começá-mos a andar em direcção a tua casa, disseste-me onde ficava, a minha ficava mais perto mas também estava a ser uma noite interessante, quis ver até onde é que ela ia. Quando chegámos a tua casa, disses-te para me sentar no sofá enquanto ias buscar o gelo. Algo mole para me sentar e encostar soube bem. Quando voltaste trazias um saco de gelo enrolado numa toalha, foi aí que comecei a reparar em ti, no teu cabelo curto, castanho escuro, olhos claros, pele escura. Ninguém costuma ser muito bonito quando corremos à frente de um cacetete. Pedis-te para me virar, e puxaste as costas da minha camisa para cima e fizeste um som de quem não gostou do que viu. Imaginei logo que a marca não fosse bonita. Colocas-te o gelo sobre a marca negra nas minhas costas, o frio soube bem. Encostas-te a tua cabeça ás minhas costas como se tivesses cansada e disseste que isto era mais do que estavas à espera de uma noite de festas populares, que uma nódoa de cerveja ou vinho era aceitável. Fiquei mais um pouco mas ficámos em silêncio, estava a tornar-se desconfortável, disse-lhe que se calhar era melhor sair. Concordas-te, disses-te que estava a ficar tarde e acompanhaste-me até à porta. À despedida disseste que não era hábito teu fazer aquilo, eu disse que também não era hábito meu ir fazer gelo por causa de bastonadas em casa de pessoas desconhecidas. Mostras-te algo mais que não tinha tomado atenção ainda, o teu sorriso e disses-te que também não ias fazias intenção de receber mais estranhos para tratamento contra hematomas. Agradeci e passei a porta, pedis-te para esperar e perguntas-te se eu não queria saber o teu nome, limitei-me a responder que assim não tinha desculpa para voltar a tua casa. Sorris-te novamente e disses-te que ficavas à espera...

Rain falls

A storm was brewing in the horizon. I thought it was a bad omen but then something came to mind. A picture of something wild, free, untamed. I didn´t know why that feeling came to me but as I gazed upon the horizon I saw a car coming towards me and with it, the storm. Only then it came to my senses that the storm wasn´t a bad omen but the presence of a Nature´s force. Not to be contained or feared but to be loved, respected and challenged. Yes, challenged. Because in this case it wasn´t a furious storm but a passioned one. And even if it was a furious one, it was well worth the fight, because it was you. Those clouds were not a coincidence but a mirror of your passion and energy. You stopped the car far from me and awaited for the rain to start falling so you could get out. Has you started to walk, the rain got heavier and I will never forget what beautiful sight it was, watching you from my porch. You opened your arms and looked up, feeling the rain drops on you, and I just stood there, watching, as you started to dance under the rain. I called out for you to get under the porch but instead you called out to me, to join you. You challenged me like all those times before and I stood strong. Has I went to you, I heard you saying that that rain was a healer, it wouldn´t hurt us, it would wash away all the bad feelings and keep those that matter. Warm feelings under cold rain. Even though I was next to you, you kept on dancing like I wasn´t there until you noticed me and made me dance too. You started to giggle, then laughing in a contagious way has always. I laughed has I didn´t in a long time, it was liberating and all I could say was that she was the craziest and the most unpredictable girl I had ever met. She replied, smiling, that that was the reason why I liked her so much. She was right. I love the way she makes me feel, it´s like meeting someone new every day. Everything she does is spontaneous and yet it seems carefully planned. She stopped dancing, put her arms around my neck and kissed me. I held her in my arms as she wrapped her legs around my waist. I asked her why she always come and goes like the wind, why she doesn´t stay. She simply smiled and said that she loved her freedom above everything else and that I wouldn´t like her any other way. I already knew the answer. She was right.


(Obrigado Rain, serviste como inspiração. :-) )

Conflitos nocturnos

Deixei de dormir depois de te voltar a ver. A natureza perdeu o seu aroma e deixei de conseguir saborear a comida. Tudo me sabe mal por te voltar a ver, pensei que os sentimentos por ti haviam desaparecido e que tudo tinha voltado a normalidade, mas não, tinhas de voltar e perturbara minha vida novamente apenas com a tua presença. Falámos como se nada se fosse, como se nunca tivesse acontecido nada mas eu não consigo faze-lo. Ainda não, por muito tempo que passe parece que nunca é tempo suficiente. Quando te vejo não sei se a minha vontade é matar-te ou abraçar-te, tenho-te um ódio de morte por aquilo que me fizeste passar e por aquilo que ainda me fazes sentir. Pelo sofrimento que me causaste devias morrer e não deixo de querer proteger-te de tudo e todos. De facto és única, conseguiste sobressair o que há de melhor e pior em mim e com isso conseguiste arranjar o meu inferno pessoal, vai sempre comigo para onde quer que vá especialmente quando te vejo. Como é possível amar-mos alguém pelo qual senti-mos um ódio capaz de matar a natureza a nossa volta e no entanto quando a vemos a única coisa que conseguimos fazer é sorrir quase que como em adoração? Não sei se te agradeça por me dares a conhecer sensações que nunca pensei serem possíveis ou se deva fazer-te desaparecer por isso...